Choice, inadequacy and doubt of the self and others.

So, as of late, I've been watching films like Blade Runner, The Matrix, e.t.c. reading books like 1984 and playing games like Blade Runner. All these things deal with choice. It's made me wonder, have I made the right choices? Should I have even made the choice at all? Why is that choice there?

The more I think about it, the more I begin to doubt everything. I've made the right choice many times, through my own admission. However, if I feel I made the wrong choice, it plays on my mind and hangs over me like a raincloud. I begin to doubt in my own ability to do what's right and what I want, or what's best for me and best for another. I want to help everybody and make sure everybody is happy, then I can start working to make myself happy. The thing is, cause I'm so busy putting my own problems on the back-burner to help everyone else, my problems spiral out of control and become massive. Then I'm screwed. As soon as I start to fix my own problems, the people I care about need me more than ever. I'm a martyr for a cause that is me and me alone. The thing is, I can't do anything to change it. If I ignore other people's problems, I feel selfish. If I ignore my problems to help them, mine go crazy, and then bang, depression and anxiety and a self-destructive fall. And so, that's a choice I've made. And I don't know if it's right or wrong. The doubt of choice seeps everywhere. I wonder if it was right to ask my current girlfriend out, or if it was the right time, or yeah.

Doubt it general is dominating my life right now. I doubt if people actually like me or just use me and throw me away, cause that's how it feels with so many people I know, because of my willingness to help them with whatever they need help with. I wonder if people lie to me to be polite and secretly harbour resentment towards me. I don't know. I feel like I'm just falling, descending into nothing with all these doubts weighing me down, making me fall faster.

And, another scary doubt is if I'm good enough for people. I never feel good enough for anyone, I'm just not good enough for anyone or anything, no matter how hard I try I always stuff up or make things worse. Or, even worse than either of those things, I do really well, but then I'm tossed aside. That makes me feel even worse. I just don't know anymore.

Until next time.

And remember,

"It's too bad she won't live, but then again, who does?" - Gaff (I really like this line, no idea why. It's from Blade Runner.)